Friday, May 26, 2006

Pause

I admit it. We were naive.

When K suggested that I include a link to my blog with the coming out/getting divorced e-mail we sent to family and friends earlier in the week, I thought it seemed like a good idea. It would allow us to share with these loved ones some of what we have been through over the past several months. I have also expressed to K and many of my friends that I don't want to cut myself off from my Mormon past, but I'd rather stay engaged and see how sharing my experiences as a gay Mormon could further understanding of gay issues in the Church. The blog seemed a good way to do that.

Instead, it seems that people are hurt. I apologize for any hurt I have caused. That has not been my intention.

And it turns out K and I are feeling hurt, too. I've been vilified as spiritually depraved, of weak character, and selfish. I've been mocked for sharing my coming out experiences. I've been accused of justifying my immoral choices and hedonistic "lifestyle" (which is interesting, since I still live with my children and K).

I have also been defended and honored.

It's been a little overwhelming, so I'm introducing some new ground rules for discussion.

Moderation has been turned on. I will not moderate for viewpoint. If you want to criticize as Bishop J did, that's fine. I'll pass it through moderation and we'll get it posted. Anonymous comments, however, will not be posted. Abusive and hateful comments will not be posted. If you know me and you want to make a comment but don't wish to do so publicly, you can e-mail me.

8 comments:

TS said...

H:

I know it's hard, but try and disregard the hateful comments of anonymous posters. Blogging often brings out the worst in people--something about the cloak of anonymity that lets people say things they would never dare say face-to-face. Know that you and K are loved deeply by all of the LDS folks we know (S and I included).

Beck said...

Hurricane:

I for one am very grateful for your Blog. It is helping me to see my life in ways that I've refused to recognize in the past. At the same time, witnessing from my computer's viewport your coming out experience terrifies me. As one who has served in numerous leadership callings (including two Bishoprics), I fear the reaction that I may receive by doing what you have boldly done. I know I lack conviction right now in my "discovery", and I can't live my life in fear, but your courage has been strengthening to me and those like me.

I am grateful that you shared Bishop J's letter. It also has been helpful - I feel a strong love thru his letter for you, and to see the great efforts he's made to "care" for you is heartening. Please don't edit out these kind of comments. They have value to for those of us who are evaluating carefully all sides to come to our own conclusions of what is right. I'm not at the point you are, and may never be, and may journey on a different path, but I thank you for sharing yours for others like me who are struggling.

Good luck in your life.

-L- said...

Wow, look what happens when I don't visit your blog for a while! But I feel like an outsider during this process as your many live-and-in-person friends go through the process of adjusting their understanding. Just a brief comment here.

K: A few have not been able to see past Mormonism, to admit there might be some earthly mistakes in the theology or doctrine of that religion.

This is taken a bit out of context, but I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents that disappointment over a loved one having left the church combined with one's ardent faithfulness to that same church is not an undesirable response. Even the most ardent (or perhaps especially) ought to recognize the importance of personal accountability and integrity and therefore offer support for the choices your family has made, regardless of disagreement.

Hurricane and I, who share some life experiences, have discussed privately the importance of being true to ourselves even when some may see it as a betrayal of an outstanding obligation. When the veracity of the principles behind those obligations is no longer believed, it changes what the honorable thing to do is.

I, not knowing you personally, can't say whether I believe you folks are doing the right thing. But as you've aptly pointed out, my approval is not necessary, and I only offer my support as you seek to find greater happiness and meaning in your new spiritual lives and family situation.

Anonymous said...

I mean no offense in saying so, but if I may steal from an old phrase, "If you can't take the heat, get back in the closet."
You have to understand that some of the things you have said are just as offensive and hurtful as some of the things said in response.
Surely, you had to know that many of us who have known and loved you for years would be repulsed and disgusted by the choices you have made ostensibly in an effort to be "true to who you are."

Mejte se hezky kamarade.

Dave Walter said...

Hurricane,

It's gracious of you to apologize for causing "hurt." However, you have nothing to apologize for.

You and K are outstanding role models. Nothing anyone says, anonymously or otherwise, can detract from that.

Chris said...

I decided to post the anonymous comments that came through to me after all. None have been as hateful as those that were posted a few days ago.

To my most recent anonymous poster--proc nechces, abych vedel kdo jsi? Rad bych s tebou hovorit.

Jason Slatter said...

H:

After reading your blog again this morning, I felt compelled to add a few comments to some of your posts, starting with this one. I feel the need to speak (if I may take that liberty) for all of those who have known you for most of your life.

First, to those who have bashed the anonymous posters - your lack of intellectual integrity startles me. Unfortunately, this also includes you H and K. Most who will read or have read your blog this week may know who H and K are, but we have no idea who ts, beck, i, dave walter, troll, or any other poster to this blog are. They are as anonymous to us as we are to them, despite the fact that they post under a "handle."

So let me start with the introductions - my name is Jason Slatter, I live in Virginia with my 5 amazing children and the love of my life Sara, whom I have had the joy and honor of being married to for 14 years. I have known H for more than 20 years, and I consider him, to this day, to be a dear and close friend. I'm not sure how many of the posters who have critiqued those who have posted comments that do not seem supportive of H can make such a claim, but I am proud to have called H a friend and hope to do so in the future.

With that said, it is also intellectually dishonest to expect all of those who have known and loved you for most of your life to hear this news in the manner in which you transmitted it this week and expect an immediate and supportive response. I have always known you as C. Hurricane is a new person to me. That is not to say that I do not love you and hope that you find the peace and happiness that you seem to be searching for. It's just that it seems a bit unfair to lash out in any way to those who have loved and supported you all of you life, and who you really want to continue to love and support you. To your own admission, your life up until now as been a bit of a lie. Don't expect us to immediately understand. You and K have been dealing with this for the better part of a year before you came out to the rest of us. Give us the time that you have taken to understand and sythensize.

So in short, yes you and K were naive. You set the ground rules (i.e. the e-mail, this blog) and then were shocked and surprised when people followed your rules. I know that you are smarter than that H. Please take a minute to sit back and think before you point fingers. At the end of the day, those of us who love you will still love you. That does not mean, however, that we will ever agree on matters that I and others feel, know, and believe to be true and that you no longer espouse, and that's fine. Let's just all be grown up enough to acknowledge who we are and respect each other for our differences. Isn't that what blogging is all about anyway? Let's have a mature and reasoned discussion - at least that is what I think you are looking for in this blog. Knowing you, I doubt you expect everyone to agree with you. And since you know me, you know that I will disagree and will not be afraid to voice my disagreement.

As you know, you have my continuing love and friendship.

Jason

Chris said...

Jason:

You are, of course, correct that I too have stayed anonymous to a certain degree, as have others even though they use a handle. And, after thinking it through, it wasn't that I was unwilling to post anonymous comments as much as it was that I had to stop some of the abusive comments.

I also am sorry, Jason, if it seems that I have not given you and my other many friends enough time to absorb the news that K and I have shared and I certainly have not intended to "lash out" at you or anyone else. I have adopted a certain defensive posture, I know.

So to you and our many mutual friends, I say take the time you need and know that I have no intention of walking away from any of the friendships that have sustained me and enriched my life for so many years.

And please, continue to do what you have done in the post, which is to talk to me. I want nothing more than to engage in discussion. Indeed, that's why I haven't pulled the plug on this blog, even when I started to realize that people were upset by some of the things I had written or by the tone I have adopted in some of my posts. We get nowhere if we don't talk.

"HURRICANE" started as an attempt to organize my thoughts about my experience. Then it became a part of a broader community of gay Mormon bloggers of various levels of commitment to the Church. Now it has become a place to come out and to talk about the experience with people I love.

Jason, I'm glad we've connected and I'm glad that you feel like you can speak to me honestly and directly.