Monday, May 07, 2007

Something I've learned recently

Coming out doesn't solve all your problems.

You're thinking, "duh, Chris!" But it's taken me 18 months and some recent rocky times in my relationship to figure that out.

It's hard to shake a lifetime of fighting your nature and building closets for yourself. I'm not like some of the (once) married gay men I've known in that I wasn't out to my wife during our marriage. I learned how to hide from her--and myself--pretty effectively. Once out, I thought the compulsion to hide would naturally dissipate. And it did for awhile.

But it turns out I have some issues--and closets--that might not have anything to do with being gay. Imagine that! Some of the things that I thought would resolve themselves because I am now openly gay actually got worse before I was able to recognize them as issues that need to be addressed. The good news is that I am now working on my issues and I'm learning a lot about myself and addressing things that I have been actively avoiding. And I'm blessed to have a man in my life who is standing with me through this because he loves all of me--the good, the bad and the ugly.

Last summer, our marriage at an end, I told KK that I didn't need anyone. I was trying to tell her that I was emotionally independent and capable of taking care of myself and moving on. She told me that she thought what I said was sad. It's only very recently that I have been able to see that she was right. We all need to be loved, and we all need to give love. It's part of what makes us human. I have always battled the thought that I have to be "good" in order to be loved. I'm not sure where that comes from. It might be the dynamics in my family; it might be the way I internalized Mormon and Christian teaching and theology; it might be my psychology; it might be all of the above and more. KK has shown me that unconditional love over the years we have known each other, and has continued to show it even after marriage. Jed now shows it to me every day. I'm finally ready to not only admit that I need it, but to accept it and offer it to myself as well. I hope this will make me a better person, partner, friend, father, brother, son, confidant, and former spouse. I aspire to be loving and honest in all of these roles in my life.

I'm taking a break from blogging and interneting for awhile. HURRICANE has been dying a slow death anyway, so this break might finally be the end of it. Or maybe not. But I'm going to go take care of myself for awhile, re-commit to my wonderful partner (even though we don't call each other that!), prepare for a wonderful summer with my children, and do what I can to nurture, repair and improve the relationships that have brought so many good things into my life.

5 comments:

-L- said...

:-) Good for you. Best wishes for the time nurturing and improving.

I really appreciate what you've said here, because I can so often mis-attribute some of my problems to some of the other headliner issues in my life. It's just not like that.

I hope you find and receive all the love you can imagine!

Mr. Fob said...

Take care, Chris. Thanks for sharing yourself with the blogosphere.

(I hope that you and I will keep in touch, of course, but I'm saying goodbye to your blog persona, at least for now.)

A Troll At Sea said...

Chris:

I am sad to see you go, but glad you have such a good reason.

You are investing in the one thing worth investing in. And on top of everything else, it makes the world go 'round.

T@C

Joseph Hollist said...

Chris,
Thank you for everything. I know that you will find your way.

write me when you can

joseph_hollist@gensler.com

santorio said...

once a blogger always a blogger, but there is a time and a season for everything, occasional breaks are good. friends remain. i've enjoyed renewed friendships after years of silence.